lust or love (part 1) February 14th 2014

lust or love coming February 14th 2014

First off I would like to tell you a little bit about me,I am a massive book worm who has been inspired by many talented authors to pursue my own path.
I am a thirty two year old mum to an nine year old wonderful daughter. I am new to the writing scene, and as well as being a mum I run my own small business in massage and holistic therapy’s which I started in April 2013. I have not been writing since high school were English was my favourite lesson and I loved writing reports and short stories but I lost touch with it after leaving school and working many bar jobs. I still stayed a massive book worm and love anything from horror, drama and romance to young adult novels. 2013 was were I started making many changes and doing things. I decided to enter a writing completion at which I did not get very far in the competition but by just entering it was the push I needed to carry on writing my first novel lust or love, It has been a bumpy journey but I am very happy that my first novel lust or love is out now through

and available on kindle :

Just recently it was  decided that lust or love is to be a series ,it wasn’t originally going to be,however it has been wrote in three parts and been added to ,I did start to write something else new ,but I have again come back to lust or love there is still more to come, and part 2 just lust and part 3 choose love will be out this year .

Lust or Love is for 18’s and over only due to some swearing and sexual content. It isn’t your typical ‘happily ever after’ story; no rock stars, cowboys or rich guys sweeping you off your feet… This is an everyman romance.
What do you do when the one who completely wrong for you keeps coming back into your life? Single mother Heather is turning thirty and can’t help but evaluate her life. The book is set in a small town in Yorkshire, England in 2011. You will look back into Heathers past and follow her into the present.
For six years Heather has been torn between her feelings for the destructive Kian and the harsh truth that they probably won’t ever be together. For more than six years life has taken them in different directions; however Heather can never seem to get Kian out of her mind, and at the most unexpected points in her life Kian has a habit of reappearing. If it isn’t really love than is the lust worth the pain? Or can Heather let Kian go for good?

Sneak Peak:
Chapter 12 (time fly’s)

Weeks passed by in a busy blur, I never heard from lee again and Bradley quickly bounced back healthy from his illness. Work was crazy busy and I loved it, I spent a lot of time helping take bookings for private parties and showing clients around the club and even on some nights I was meant to be working on the bar I got moved to front of house to deal with VIPs and show people around closed areas so they could see where they could hold an event. Kian didn’t associate much with me in work after the night he had lee kicked out and barred; he seemed very distracted with something, which from the look of him it was weighing heavy on his mind, he didn’t even seem interested in any female attention, he kept brushing everybody off even Melissa. It bothered me though that he was hardly speaking to me and I was concerned with how worn down he seemed.

On a Thursday night in mid-November I had been showing some company bosses around the VIP area which they were looking to hire out soon, once they left I went to head to the office to fill in the necessary paper work for the booking, when Kian came rushing down the stairs and straight passed me.

“Kian what’s wrong?”

He stopped and turned to look at me, he looked like he had been crying and I could see a lot of pain and exhaustion in his normally mischiefs eyes.

“What” he snapped at me and held his expression hard towards me. I walked to him and lightly touched him on his arm through his blue jacket.

“Don’t” he moved away from me

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing that concerns you” he used the same thing against me that I had said to him and it severed me right from shutting him out he was now doing the same to me. He turned away from me and rushed out of sight.
The rest of the shift was a blur, my mind stayed on Kian wondering what was wrong, I knew that Gaz and Katy would know but I wasn’t going to ask them for the answers. I waited till I got home to try and ring him which he didn’t answer his phone so I messaged him to get no replay, I went to bed leaving my phone on vibrate in case he messaged back through the night laid there for a very long time in hope that he would talk to me before I finally gave into sleep.

I never heard from him and Friday and Saturday night he wasn’t at work at the club.
I still felt worried for him and I messaged him a couple of more times to still get no response, nobody mentioned why he wasn’t there and I didn’t hassle Katy or Gaz about his whereabouts I just quietly got on with my job . At the end of the busy Saturday night we were all sat around having a well-earned drink, Blake came and sat with me.

“How you doing”

“Tired it’s been so busy I cannot wait to go home”

“I bet, right so will need you again as usual in the week we got a lot of new membership cards and money off vouchers to post out , website needs updating and next Sunday is the first private Christmas party which is going to be a big one, we need to organise wrist bands that are different colours for the bosses, over 18s and under 18s so we know who’s is very important and who isn’t old enough to drink oh and they want some drink menus to pre order drinks such as pitchers and cocktails, champagne etc, so it’s all hands on deck.

“Yes of course I can be in the afternoons”

“Great so how is the little one doing”

Really good it will be his birthday soon so I need to get a move on with present shopping for birthday and Christmas”

“Wow good luck with that one”

“Hey Heather” Gaz interrupted the conversation “are you coming out tomorrow?”

“No as the last time I went out did not go down so well, plus I have to be up Monday morning to take my nieces to school and work in the afternoon”

“Oh come on out even if it’s just for a few hours pleasssssssssssseeeee!!!” Tracy started near enough begging me

“Ok, ok I will see what I can do, message me tomorrow and I will let you know”

“Ok guys taxis will be here in a few” Blake shouted to the whole of the room, we all quickly gathered up our belongings and headed off home.

“Mum please I promise it won’t be like last time I went out, I will be home and up with Bradley to take the girls to school and I got work in the afternoon so I won’t be staying out really late” I had been saying the same thing over and over to my mum, trying to convince her that I would come home. Tracy had messaged me that morning that Sunday morning saying that everyone was meeting at goose at seven so I had spent the morning cleaning and helping prepare and cook Sunday lunch in hopes of winning mum over.

When we were sat at the family table and after we had eaten I had decided to mention it then which after a lot of promising to my mum and dad I would definitely be home they gave in and agreed to watch Bradley while I was out.
The evening came around really quickly, I dressed in my dark dressy Jeans, a red halter neck top and dark demin look fitted jacket and high healed knee high boots over my skin tight jeans, I had left my hair straight and matched my makeup to suit my outfit. I had Bradley ready for bed and gave him a big hug and kiss before I left the house.

When I arrived at the goose bar it was very busy bit I managed to spot the usual crowd stood at the bar, I greeted my work friends and ordered wine to have with Tracy, Kirsty and Katy, we stayed around the bar area drinking and mingling amongst ourselves as there was no were for us all to sit, as I turned to the bar to order some more drinks I noticed Kian had approached the bar, he looked like he hadn’t saved all weekend, his hair looked a bit longer and he wore the usual dark jeans and casual white shirt under his dark jacket which the hot mess look suited him well, I smiled at him but he didn’t acknowledge me yet he came over and gave Katy a big hug. I felt my heart break a little from the cold shoulder treatment, he went back to talk to Gaz and I stayed with the girls and quietly drank with them, every so often I clanced over at Kian who never looked my way.

“Hey you ok” Katy snapped my attention back to the group.

“Sorry yes im ok”

“Why don’t I believe you” she came and stood next to me “You have been watching him since he came in, look I know he’s been off with you, well he’s been off with nearly everybody but he’s dealing with something really difficult right now”

“I just don’t get how he can just turn so cold quickly towards me ,I thought we were going to be friends?”

“Give him a bit of time”

“He’s keeping something to himself”

“Well you have been as well, especially from Kian”

“Fair point, all I want is us to be able to be friendly at work like before”

“Like I said just give it time”

I placed my bag and jacket on the bar “Just watch that please I need the ladies room”

When I came back out the bathroom I noticed through the large glass windows and doors that Kian was stood outside in the smoking area on his own. I decided to go and try and talk to him I had enough of the cold shoulder. As I stepped out into the cold night the bitter chill bit at my bare skin on my arms, I wrapped my arms around myself and walked towards Kian.

“Hey” he watched me walk to him. “Why you out here on your own”
He pointed to the cigarette he was putting out in an ash tray on the table near him.

“Ok listen please I really don’t know what’s happened for you to be this cold towards me, I thought we were going to be friends”

“Heather now is not the time”

“NO KIAN DON’T BRUSH ME OFF TALK TO ME” I shouted at him, he stared at me blankly.

“shit sorry I don’t want to fight I just want things to go back to the way it was ,joking around and having a laugh at work, im not one of your sluts you fuck and then fuck off and you told me that ,you gave this speech about how you wanted to be friends”

He ran his hands threw his hair and looked at me like I was tormenting him.

“All I wanted to do tonight was come out and try and forget…” he shook his head as he cut off from what he was going to say

“Forget what Kian?”

We stood in an awkward silence for a few minutes “You know what forget it” I went to walk away when Kian grabbed my hand

“Ok let’s talk but not here come back to mine”

“Oh no Kian not happing last time I went to yours…well you know what happened”

“Please” he whispered to me

“Just to talk?”

“Yes just to talk”

I walked back into the bar to get my things and made an excuse that I was needed at home, when I joined Kian back outside he took hold of my hand and lead me away from the bar, we flagged down a taxi quickly as it was still very early and spent the taxi ride back to his in silence.
I really did not know what to say or to think all I knew was that he was hurting for some reason.
Back at Kians house the house was deadly silent and us not talking made the atmosphere worse I walked into the living room as Kian went upstairs, I sat on the sofa waiting for him to return which after about ten minutes he didn’t and I wasn’t sure if I was meant to have followed him upstairs or if to leave. I opted for going upstairs after I removed my boots and jacket and left them near the sofa I made my way to Kian’s room .I found him laid flat on his back on his bed staring up at the celling he had removed his shoes, jacket and shirt and laid there in just his jeans, I flashed back to the night I had kissed and licked my way down that firm body of his, sighing to myself I lightly knocked on the open door to get his attention.

“Do you want me to go?”

He rose up onto his elbows and smiled at me.

“No I don’t want you to go, I thought you would have followed me straight up here, come here”

I went and sat on the bed as he lay back down on his side so he was laid facing toward me.

“I don’t know where to start or how to explain anything”

“Well try”

He sat up closer to me and took a hold of my face by my chin and locked his stare into my eyes

“Im trying to” he lowered his stare “I lost my Uncle, my mums brother, who was more like a dad to me, he died Friday night, that’s where I went my mum had phoned work and I rushed out of work off to the hospital but he had already passed away when I got there” He turned away from and threw himself back down onto the bed, I sat there shocked I didn’t know how to respond or what to say so I laid down next to him and started to wipe away the tears he was trying to blink away

“What Happened”

“He had bowel cancer, we knew it was terminal but it still doesn’t make it any easier”

“I can honestly say I know that I helped care for both my grandparents when they were diagnosed with terminal cancer one after another and that wasn’t that long ago I was always very close to them as well so I know that hurt.”

“I was very close to him don’t know my feel my dad and even though I have a great step dad, Uncle Ryan was fantastic taking me and mum under his wing when things were really tough”

I really wanted to comfort him I just didn’t know how so I stayed silent and let him talk.

“We knew before the summer he was very ill, did you know I dropped out of Uni?”
I just shook my head

“Well I was in my second year but before we finished the summer term I came back to help my mum care for him which got a lot harder to do towards the end”

Bits started to fall into place, the tiredness and why he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders lately he was losing a man who had played a big role in his life.

“It’s hard knowing somebody is going to die ,and it’s harder for them to have you caring for them at least it was like that with my grandparents”

He didn’t answer me or move we just laid for while in silence.

“There’s more” he finally broke the silence “once he had passed away I had planned to get back out of Doncaster, I messed around to try and forget everything that was happening with things being so serious at home I just wanted nothing serious”

“So where does Melissa fit into all of this because she seems to be the expectation to that rule, with her being the queen bee and all”

He laughed at my comment “Ahh Melissa, well she’s easy to call on for an easy lay, well she was but she has been a pain in the arse recently wanting us to get serious and there is no way im going there again with her”

I shot up and moved away from him “Hang on what do you mean again”

“Doesn’t matter come back here” he grabbed hold of me tightly and pulled me on top of him pushed myself up so I was straddling him.

“It does matter Kian”

“Why? You keep things from me so why should I tell you?”

“no fair Kian, low blow, you said you wanted to talk and explain things to me…” before I could carry on at him Kian had quickly lifted me off of him and pinned me down on the bed ,kissing me with brutal force that left me breathless and wanting more when he broke away.
“You want to know” he intensely looked at me


“ok so when I came back I worked at the BT call centre briefly, we both worked there toghter and I started hanging out with a lot out of work soon we were sleeping toghter and she near enough moved herself in here, she knew everything that was happing with my uncle I really thought she cared, how wrong was I, day I was meant to be having a work review with a boss I walked into the office to the both in a very compromised position”

“Oh shit really?”

“Oh yes really and she didn’t give a toss she never begged for forgiveness she just uses people to get what she wants and shagging the boss got her a better role in the call centre”


“I should have known really but was nice the comfort at first, i had a girlfriend back at uni but soon as I came home she broke it off so her showing some affection I lapped it up”

“So how she end back up on the scene? What is she to you?”

“Nothing she means nothing to me, she tried crawling back the first time she saw me working in the club, she likes the free drinks and entry and will do ought to get it, she’s shagged loads of the door men and I even saw her all over Blake not that long ago”

“Oh my god”

“I know and I know im no saint, drunken women sometimes throw themselves at me for the attention, drinks or whatever, it’s been easy for me to fuck around”

“I can’t be one of them though”

“I know…God u frustrate the hell out of me sometimes, I don’t know what it is about you but I want more and it scares me, you scare me”

I tried to move from him I really needed to get out of there, he grabbed hold of my hands.

“No don’t run”

“I can’t fix things for you Kian; I can’t be a temporary happy fix for you”

“I want us to try and be toghter and I don’t just mean sexually”

Oh boy those words scarred the hell out of me “you don’t mean it”

“Yes I do, I don’t know what you’re keeping from me, im trying to open up to you and let you in, and can you do the same?”

“I can’t do this right now” I yanked my hands out of his and before he could react I had bolted off the bed and out the bedroom, I grabbed my things from the living room and rang for a taxi as I ran out the house, I got straight through to them and asked them to pick me up at the garage I had seen at the end of the road.


“Heather wait” Kian shouted me as he ran down the path and caught up with me; he took a hold of me and spun me around to face him, he hadn’t even got dressed he was still bare foot and shirtless/

“Let me go” I tried to push away from him

“No, for fucks sake stop fighting me” he kissed me once more, prying my mouth open with his tongue, I dropped my things to the floor and embraced the kiss, his tongue worked gently against mine and in and around my mouth wanted him, all off him and it scared me. I broke away from the kiss first and pulled out of his embrace.

“I have a son” I blurted out to him and the look on his face was one of a dear caught in headlights.

“Year I got to go I hope the taxi hasn’t turned up yet for me” I started to move away from him.

“Shit, no wait please don’t go, I’m just shocked I was not expecting you to say that”

“Sorry I blurted it out”

“Don’t be sorry, why are you sorry?” he tilted my head up to him and gently kissed me



“It really is freezing out here can we go back in now”
“I can’t stay Kian

“Please just for a little while”

“But the taxi”

“Forget it please come back inside for a little while”

“Ok” I knew what would happen by going back inside with him and I wanted him, all of him.

I let him lead me back inside and up to his room, once he shut the door he slowly started to remove the clothes as he kissed me passionately shivered from his touch as he sat me on the edge of the bed and started kissing down my body inch by inch, he wickedly grinned as he knelt in front of me.

“I believe I still need to return a favour”

I slowly felt him remove my lacy boy shorts and him kiss and nip at my inner thighs, I fisted my hands in his hair when I felt im flick his tongue on my very sensitive clit

“Ohhhhh fuck”

He slowly teased my lips apart with two of his fingers and circled inside me getting me turned on and wet for him.

“Kian” I moaned out his name

“Shhh” he mumbled and started to lick at my sensitive part, I felt my clit pulsing and tightening right to my core. I threw myself back onto the bed and lifted up my hips to him felt him grab my behind and I rocked against his tongue as wave after wave of the orgasm rushed though me. As I started to come back down to earth I felt his weight on me as I lay there breathless and well spent from an a amazing orgasm.

“Mmmm, im not done yet”, he rubbed his hard on against me through his jeans, used his fingers again against my clit and kept rubbing my lips.

“Oh nice and wet babe”

“Mmmm all for you”

He quickly pulled a condom out his pocket as he removed his jeans and boxers and rolled the condom on to his hard cock, he lay above me and teased me once more before slowly easing into me

“Ahhh Kian” I gasped as I felt him stretching me slightly

“Fuck you feel amazing” he pinned my hands above my head as he slowly moved inside me, I raised my hips and wrapped my legs around him so he could go deeper”

“Harder Kian” I begged him and I didn’t need to ask twice he started to fuck me harder hitting the right spot, making me moan over and over as I felt my whole body start to shudder from another orgasm building, he let go of my hands and grip the headboard as I dug my nails into his back, I felt him tense just as the wave of pure ecstasy shot through me.

“Yes heather, Fuck yes” he shuddered and collapsed on top of me, I couldn’t remember anybody ever making me come that quickly or even at the same time as each other ,I relaxed as he eased out of me and kissed me passionately once more .

“Wow” I breathlessly mumbled into his mouth

“Hell yes wow” we broke apart and I started to move out the bed

“Were you going?”

“I need to clean up, if you don’t mind”

“You want a shower?”

“Mmmm you are going to join me?”

“Oh yes”

I giggled and ran naked into the bathroom as he bolted out the bed and chased me out the room.

“Mmmm don’t go” Kian lay lazily naked on the bed, I looked at the messed up wet sheets where he had fucked me once more, we had started in the shower and finished on top of the bed. I quickly dried myself off and started to get dressed. I needed to go home it was nearly two am and if my mum was up again she would be freaking out.

“Ring me a taxi please and not the firm I used earlier”

“Don’t go”

“I have a son at home and I have to take my nieces to school, I really do have to go”

“Wait who has got your son, are you in a relationship?”
“No his dad has nothing to do with him, my parents have got him there really good with him they help out a lot and without that help I wouldn’t be working…look I’m
Sorry if it bothers you and freaks you out” he pulled me into his arms

“Hey no…well maybe a little but I mean what I say and I want us to be toghter probably I really want us to try”

“So what now”

“Just let’s take it slow and day by day and figure it out toghter… you know the whole being in relationship thing”

“I know so maybe we can talk more tomorrow as I really do have to go”

“Ok ringing a taxi now, we can figure this all out tomorrow”

I finished getting dressed as he rang me a taxi and luckily I didn’t have to wait long for it to arrive and take me home.
When I arrived back home the house was in darkness and quiet, nobody was awake, I quietly snuck up to my room, slipped out of my clothes and into my bed where I fell into a blissful sleep hopeful for good things to come .

Were you can find me :


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